Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I write with a baby in my lap. What's your excuse?

I write with a baby in my lap. What’s your excuse?

I planned on writing my trademark blog — humorous and in your face — but I just don’t have it in me right now. It’s midnight. My fiancée is asleep, my child is asleep, and that’s where I want to be so let’s get this over with.

Aaron Gudmunson asked me to participate in something entitled Coming Soon! Blog Hop. I agreed because Aaron is a good guy. Then there’s the fact that I’m trying to be more social and less of a recluse. So I agreed to participate, but it’s one of those “chain letter” type blog post where you post a blog then get three more to do the same. If you’ve read any of my blogs before — which you probably haven’t — I have a great disdain for chain letters. Phut! <That’s me spitting. I spit on chain letters. But like I said, Aaron is a good guy. I met him in an anthology, I don’t remember which one, but I do remember his story and I liked it. Check him out over at http://coldbrood.blogspot.com/, but whatever you do, don’t come back here. I’m rarely here anymore. But wait! Don’t go just yet. I have some news to share and a ridiculously generic interview to do. Stay with me long enough to read what I have to say then click on whatever link you want to take you away from here and don’t come back. Not because I don’t like you. I’m rarely here is all.

Before the interview I want to share some things with you. I would wait until after the interview, but I’m afraid you won’t last that long — premature evacuation is what the kids are calling it nowadays.

May 2, I have a humorous piece of work going up over at http://thehiggsweldon.com/. If the beginning of relationships started out as a job interview, how would the resumes look? Well, I wrote a resume in which a guy is trying to get the job of being some girl’s new squeeze. Check it out if you get the chance. If you forget, come back here, click on the link, then never return.

I also have a legitimate interview scheduled to appear May 6 over at http://cemeteryflower.blog.com/. Click on the link, locate the “Isolation” tab, and find my name. Should be fun.

I think that’s it. Are you still there? Good. Just hang on a little while longer. I swear I’m almost done. <That’s what he said. Here’s my Coming Soon! Blog Hop interview.

What are you working on right now?

Have you ever read a book or watched a movie and thought, Man! I wish I thought of that first. I think that all the time. If I had a time machine, I would procure a busload of novels and travel back to before they were written and write them first. None of Stephen King works. What Stephen King writes should only be written by Stephen King, but I’d definitely become the author of Pirates of the Caribbean. Anyway, back to the point I’m trying to make. All of my current works in progress are kept top secret – with the exception of the publishers I submit to and literary agents, and I cross my t’s and dot my i’s with them too – until it’s published. Yeah, that’s how original my ideas are.

However, I can say that I am currently working on short stories for pro market venues with the intention of spreading my name and establishing a greater reputation. And I must say things are going very well so far.

Next question please.
How does it differ from other works in its genre?

Well, my work has by Bennie L. Newsome on the cover page. No other work in its genre has that.

Next question please.

What experiences have influenced you?

I came into this writing game thinking all I had to do was write, present said writing to a publisher, and fame came instantly. That was foolish, amateurish thinking. Rejections taught me to write better, acceptances taught me not to say yes to everyone who told me yes. If you’re published in a forest and there’s no one around to read it, are you really published? No. And this revelation taught me not to submit to just anybody. In the end, my experiences have taught me to have more patience, my writing has evolved, my standards are higher and uncompromising, and I’m a whole lot closer to my goal than I was when I started.

Why do you write what you do?

I write what I do because it’s who I am. My work is humorous at times because I like to laugh. Horror is my favorite genre to read, so of course I’m going to write about horrifying situations. If you notice me give a shout out to God in my work, it’s because I know He exists. I prefer to write for young adults and middle graders because they still read just for the love of reading. They’re not dissecting every sentence and proofreading the entire time. This is why I write horror, humor, or Christian fantasy for young adults and middle graders.

How does your writing process work?

My work stems from a single idea. The BoogeyMann came from me asking, “What if a man scared his children as punishment instead of whipping them?” Life is no Fairytale came from me imagining the prince in Rapunzel climbing to a third floor apartment instead of making his way to the top of a tower.  Agape was born from the question, “What if these crows following me were actually angels in the guise of birds?” An idea presents itself to me and I just start writing, no outline. I never know what’s going to happen until it happens.
What is the hardest part about writing?

Finishing. I can start a story easy enough, but once I get to the middle I have to force myself to write, and by the time I near the finish line, I’m crawling. Probably comes from not having an outline.

What would you like to try as a writer that you haven’t yet?

Getting an advanced royalty check from a big publisher. I’d like to try that.

Who are the authors you most admire?

Stephen King. The man is a freaking genius. And I like James Patterson because his work can be ingested as easy as water, and he is a go getter. I love his work ethic. I also like John Grisham’s work, and J.R.R. Tolkien wrote my favorite books.

Who are new authors to watch out for?

How am I suppose to know? I’m too busy writing while reading the works of my role models. Plus, new authors are like roaches. There are a whole lot of us, we’re all over the place, and you never notice a particular one until it jumps off the wall and flutters in your face. And then you’re like, “Oh, s&%t! One of these damn writers flew in my face!” You slap ’em down and squash it with your foot.

However, this blog hopping dictates that I choose three writers to keep the “chain letter” going. I chose these authors (one didn’t respond and I don’t blame her), not because I’m familiar with their work — since I’m not. I chose them because they made an impact with me.

Rob Teun: He’s the most helpful guy I have ever met — probably because he’s from England. You don’t often see writers constantly promoting their peers, but Rob is always talking up others. He’s mentioning people on Twitter, Facebook, and he reads the works of others to leave reviews on designated websites. The guy is selfless, and because of that characteristic, I choose him as a new author to look out for. You can find his author’s page on https://www.facebook.com/rd.teun.3?fref=ts.

Shikhar Srivastava: He’s a fellow writer and Facebook friend. I always thought of him as a cool guy because of his posts, but one day – on Facebook – I proclaimed that I was on my way to being a bestselling novelist. Shikhar was the only one to comment on my post, and that comment was “#MeToo.” I watch as everyone writes and gets published and do “big” things, but still get nowhere. And they appear to be content with the hamster wheel. I, on the other hand, am shooting for the stars, and Shikhar earned my respect by stating that he shared the same intent. And for that, I chose him as a new author to look out for. Check out his blog space over at http://shikhartechlabs.wordpress.com/.

Alright. Final question, then I’m going to bed.

What scares you?

Just about everything. And because I know fear, I can write about it convincingly.

Good night. Thanks for stopping by, and don’t come back.

–The Ravings of a Madman

It is finally here, folks! The time that I have been eagerly awaiting, and the time you all have been dreading. The release of my second novel, Life is no Fairytale, is upon us. Now I shall zip throughout cyberspace leaving news about my latest release all over the place while you all groan and silently ask that I stop bombarding you with this stuff. Facebook friends will mysteriously disappear, and Twitter followers will unfollow. Those who subscribe to my blog will delete their email notifications, unread. Ah! Being an author among the independent presses is a wonderful experience, I must say.

Now gather around all you under the sound of my virtual voice–which sounds a lot like Barry White, by the way–and let me tell you why Life is no Fairytale is worth the purchase. Let me tell you why Life is no Fairytale is worth your six dollars. I’m not going to point out the fact that you have the Twilight saga sitting on your bookshelves, which ran you about fifty dollars. I’m not going to point out the fact that you have Fifty Shades of Grey on your eReader, or that Zane is secretly your favorite author. I’m not going to point out any of these embarrassing facts. What I will point out, though, is that these books were written by women (and I’m not sure if a woman wrote Fifty Shades, but it’s a safe bet). Women own the romance market, and rightfully so, it’s a dreadfully boring genre. Now hold on! No need for you ladies to get all uptight. We all know that romance novels are full of talk, talk, blabbity talk, that eventually leads to a quick romp in the stable, or behind some bush, or on the deck of some boat. That’s the only reason people read romance novels anyway; in hopes of reaching the part where the wind blows through the crack of some woman’s naked arse while they make love to a stranger. My novel has none of that, and you want to know why? Well, first, my novel is suitable for both the mature and young crowd. Second, my novel was written by me, a man, and romance appears to be different for men than it is women. While sex is so abundant for women–so much so that they can stumble across it in a stank barn–it tends to be elusive for most men. Even married men who have a marriage license that guarantees them action rarely see any. If you’re looking for reading material that has a terrible plot, and lots of sex, you might want to try picking up a playboy.

You’re probably asking yourself, “What does his novel offer if there’s no sex involved?” Well, I’m glad you asked, you undercover pervert. My novel offers a tale of romance from a man’s point of view. It contains love, heartache, and humor to keep things from getting too mushy and boring. My character, Carmichael Lee Jones, will snare your attention in the beginning as he awaits his beautiful bride, Jocelyn. He takes you on a journey, back to when he first met Jocelyn in middle school. Carmichael talks about how the two of them were torn apart by circumstances, and blessed to be reunited in highschool, only to be broken up again by heartache. Through a series of unforseen events, Carmichael and Jocelyn come together once more as adults despite unfavorable circumstances. And as Carmichael recalls the passage he and Jocelyn took, the wedding is steadily progressing around him. The book is called Life is no Fairytale because in real life, true love is rarely a quick and easy thing to obtain, and it never seems to work out like you imagine it should. Life is no Fairytale is titled that because it was inspired by the Grimm Brothers’ fairytale Rapunzel which is not a pretty story itself; therefore, my title is saying, even a fairytale isn’t a fairytale.

Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Well, that sounds like a bunch of talkity-talk and it doesn’t even lead to a sex scene.” And you’re probably right, but there’s a distinct difference between my ramblings and someone else’s ramblings. Mine is interesting, and a person who reviewed my debut novel, The BoogeyMann, even made the same comment.

 …Big thumbs up for originality, this is not the story it seems to be at first glance. Starting with a humorous twist at the end of the first chapter, Bennie takes a family of seemingly ordinary people and weaves a peculiar but intriguing story that keeps you on the edge of your seat. It takes real talent to make what seems so mundane on the surface into something so interesting.

Now you know about my novel, Life is no Fairytale. I highly recommend that you check it out for yourself. At least do yourself a favor. Read something that you don’t have to hide from your children, or spouse–and I’m talking about your dirty little secret, the Twilight saga. Heck, you’ll even find yourself sharing this novel with your family because it’s a must read by all. Life is no Fairytale is now available. If you have an eReader, that’s marvelous. If you don’t, that’s still no excuse. eBooks are available in multiple formats so you can download them to anything. If you’re reading this blog, then you have the capability to download an eBook, and Amazon.com even offers free Kindle downloads for the PC. Check it out. Where can you go to find my latest novel? I’m glad you asked.

Desert Breeze Publishing website: http://stores.desertbreezepublishing.com/-strse-339/Life-is-No-Fairy/Detail.bok

And it’s available on amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Life-Is-Fairy-Tale-ebook/dp/B0094I00EA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1346592310&sr=8-2&keywords=Life+is+no+Fairytale

I hope you enjoy. If you liked my novel, let me know. If it wasn’t your cup of tea, I thank your for your patronage anyhow. God bless… May the Force be with you… Peace–whatever your inclination.

–the Ravings of a Madman

A blogger friend of mine, MsKatykins, asked how my son Benjamin was doing. Because no one wants to receive a response that’s the length of an essay, a respectful answer would be, “He’s fine. Just as active as ever. Thanks for asking!” That’s the proper way to answer such a question; however, I decided to blog my response because I’m not typical. I’m a writer who just so happens to have a kid, and that kid provides me with a lot of writing material. The child is a gold mine, or at least, he was a gold mine when he was younger. 

For those of you who have not been keeping count, Benjamin is six months now (he’ll be seven in a week). And during these last couple of months, the relationship my son and I have has matured. You’re probably saying to yourself that that’s good news, and I agree with you, but it doesn’t really leave me with a lot to rave about nowadays. You remember the ravings, don’t you? Well, most of you do. And for those of you who are new to The Ravings of a Madman, let me catch you up real quick. A few months ago, when Benjamin and I were getting to know each other, we were known to have our share of spats. After our falling outs, I would come here and blog about the arguments I (a grown man) had with an infant. 

And don’t get your dandruff up, no need to call child services. Our fights never ended in fisticuffs. We just got loud with one another. 

So, three months ago, Shardae went back to work leaving me and Benjamin to ourselves. It was rough going at first, and I will admit that I was terrified. I mean, who could I hand the baby off to when a problem arose — such as him crying for no particular reason. Well, I was forced to learn my baby and now there’s not a problem I can’t handle. As a matter of fact, I’m better with him than his mother (which I throw in her face on a regular basis), but that doesn’t stop him from favoring her more. For instance, he said his first word a couple of weeks ago, and it turned out to be “Momma.” Not “Dada”, who he looks to when he’s hungry, or needs a diaper change. His first word was “Momma.” That’s fine, though. I was just happy to hear him speak. Now, back to the point I was trying to make. Benjamin and I are in sync, so we don’t fight as much, which results in me blogging about him less (more like none). I mean, who wants to read me gushing about, “My baby just said his first word, y’all!” and, “My baby is rolling over!” or “My baby is eating solid foods now!” Yeah, it’s exciting for me and his mother, but you could care less, I’m sure. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. Although Benjamin and I are on better terms now, we still have our share of arguments. Just the other day, I had fallen asleep on the living room floor (and I can’t recall why I was on the floor in the first place). I couldn’t sleep peacefully because it was uncomfortable, so I decided to retire to my room and nap in the bed. Well, Benjamin and Shardae was in the bedroom. Benjamin was playing on the bed, and Shardae was doing whatever she does on the computer. I flopped down on Shardae’s side of the bed — because Benjamin was on my side — and I tried to go to sleep. Notice the emphasis on “tried.” As soon as I closed my eyes, Benjamin started screaming, probably fussing at me to get out of the bed. When I refused to leave, he started hitting me and kicking me, while keeping up his hollering. 

“Hey, boy!” I said. “You have your own room, and your own bed. If you have a problem with sharing my bed with me, then you know where you can go.” 

And with that said, I dozed off — intermittently, of course. The boy kept kicking, clawing, and screaming. His mother eventually carried him into his room, and the dispute ended with Benjamin and I napping for quite some time — separately. So, Benjamin and I still have disagreements on a daily basis, but nothing blog worthy. 

MsKatykins, you probably didn’t want a response that’s the length of an essay, so to make a long blog post short, “Benjamin’s fine. Just as active as ever. Thanks for asking!” 😉

Once again, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted a blog. I’ve been busy with one project after another, then there’s baby Benjamin to deal with. I don’t see how you other writers do it. You write, blog, read blogs, network, and review the work of other independent writers. That’s a lot to pile on a person’s plate. Of course, I could probably get all that and more done if I cut out videogames, naps, and television. Something to think about, I guess. While I’m on the subject of television, let me tell you something that has been bugging me lately. May I? Awesome.

The thing that has been getting under my skin is commercials. Once upon a time, I was a big fan of commercials, but they seem to be getting dumber by the season. Maybe it’s because advertisers feel like their target audience is getting dumber, I don’t know. “How are commercials getting dumber?” you ask. Well, take the recent Multi-Grain Cereal commercial they’ve been airing. The television ad goes on to tell you about how great the cereal is, then they end it by saying — and I quote — “people who eat Multi-Grain Cereal tend to weight less than those who don’t.” If there is one thing that I just can’t stand, it’s someone insulting my intelligence. I’m sure there are some who hear this and think, Oh, this cereal helps you lose weight. However, those of us who write — or actually read something other than magazine covers when standing in the grocery store checkout line — know exactly what it says. “People who eat Multi-Grain Cereal tend to weight less than those who don’t,” translates into, “Skinny people tend to eat Multi-Grain Cereal while those who are overweight are less likely to purchase this cereal.” Both statements are true; however, the first one can be misleading, and that’s the purpose, I suppose. That one line has aided in ruining the whole commercial watching experience for me. It’s a lot like those commercials that advertise a certain food, then say, “such and such combined with diet and exercise will help you lose weight.” Really? I’m sure diet and exercise could stand alone.

Commercials are nothing more than salesmen who no longer knock on your door. Nowadays, they bombard you during your favorite shows, they greet you as you go to check your email, they’ve even set up a social networking site called Twitter (you can’t tell me Twitter is not a gathering place for Spam). And then they treat us like we’re all stupid. Some of us may be, but not everybody. I don’t want some dealership to tell me the price of a car is this, then display half a page of small print that says something different, but they don’t leave the small print up there long enough for anyone to read the whole thing. They’ve even gotten to the point where they will put small white print on an eggshell colored background, so only those like myself who actually look for small print will catch a glimpse of it. And don’t get me started on these for profit colleges that dominate the thirty second time slots. I live in Alabama, and we have commercials for colleges like Virginia College, Southern New Hampshire University, one of them is some school located in California. “Get up off that couch,” they say. “Come on and enroll in an online class today!” Their goal is to get paid from us who get into debt by securing a degree in a field that will have no openings once we finish paying for that degree. These politicians are saying that the job market is looking up, but down here in Alabama, places are still closing and people are steadily scrambling for work. And those for profit colleges don’t even put that in fine print at the bottom of their commercials.

So yeah, I’ve grown weary of commercials. I think commercials should be restricted to ten seconds. They should be just long enough for the advertisers to tell us what they’re selling. “We have popcorn that’s already popped for you,” is all they should be able to say, let me see what it looks like, then make way for the next commercial. Show me what car you’re selling, then get on. I don’t need some professional driver doing tricks in a closed off set. I’m just driving around Birmingham; I won’t be doing donuts in the Sahara desert. Commercials suck, and that’s my rave for today.

I turn 26-years-old tomorrow. Yep. July 16th is my birthday and has been every since I was born…26 years ago. Well, May December Publications and I thought it was a good idea to do a free ebook giveaway in celebration of me turning 26. So let me sum things up for you. This ebook giveaway is my birthday celebration and your party favor is…well, your party favor is the free ebook. Won’t you celebrate with me? Bottom lip poked out, eyes wide, “Won’t you pretty please celebrate with me?” Go to the following link and get your party favor: http://www.amazon.com/The-BoogeyMann-ebook/dp/B007SC793O/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&qid=1342285364&sr=1-1 If you don’t want to read the book, just go on over, click the like button, and download it anyway. Don’t have an ereader? Amazon gives you a free Kindle app for your computer. I mean,  can we make this giveaway any easier? Well, that’s enough of that. Let this shameless plug lead me into today’s blog: A Spirit of Fear.

The Holy Bible states that God did not give us a spirit of fear. WAIT! Don’t you go running off! I’m not about to preach to you. I’m just making a biblical reference. Better now? Go on, catch your breath. Alright, let’s resume.

So the Bible states that God did not give us a spirit of fear. But I observe my five-month-old son and wonder where does fear come from if God did not implant us with it. How does Benjamin know what to be afraid of when he hasn’t learned what to fear?

Truth time. I roared at my son. It was a couple of months ago, and it wasn’t a malicious roar. You know the kind where you place your hands above your head, make finger claws, put on a crazy looking face, and, “WRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGH!” What do you expect? I’m the author of The BoogeyMann. Anyway, Benjamin became visibly startled, then his face scrunched up, and he began to cry. Of course his mother scolded me for that, and I’m like, “What?! How was I suppose to know he knew to be afraid?” I mean, really! How does a three-month-old baby know that this is frightening?

That wasn’t the only time I noticed that we, as humans, are born with a sense of fear. My child and I were walking through the hallway of our apartment. It was dark. I held the bouncer he sat in so his face was turned toward me. Just to make conversation, I said, “Hey, buddy. What’s going on?” Well, once again, he became startled, then his face scrunched up and he began to cry. “What’s the matter?” I asked as I hurried to get him into the light of the kitchen so he could see my face. “It’s just me. It’s Daddy. Not a monster.” It took a few seconds, but he eventually calmed down. There were a couple more instances of me roaring (because I like to roar at little babies, apparently). One time I was sitting right in front of him. He was staring at me. Eventually I tired of the awkward silence and said, “Hey.” The child visibly flinched, then cried. I’m like, “What the hell?”

“He didn’t expect you to say anything,” his mother said.

Whatever.

Because of these instances, I believe that we were born with a certain amount of fear. How would a baby know to fear the dark and monsters when he has not even seen Friday 13th or A Nightmare on Elm Street? He doesn’t know what a monster is. Benjamin does not know what could possibly lurk in the darkness, and yet he already knows to fear these things. It’s crazy.

My initial theory was that we were given the spirit of fear. However, that time when Benjamin was staring at me and he became startled when I spoke brought another possibility to mind. In the animal kingdom (which we humans are a part of), mammals get their instincts from nursing on their mother. They learn their enemies from information passed on through the milk. They learn what to fear. When I saw my baby become startled, even though he had been staring at me the whole time, I realized that he could have gotten that scary side from his mother. She is (and don’t tell her I told you this) as scary as they come. I have gotten to the point where I have to say, “I’m about to touch you now.” I warn her that I’m going to touch her, I touch her, then she flinches. “I just told you I was going to touch you!” I say. Then she says something about her nerves being bad, or my hand was cold. Whatever. When I go through the apartment, I sometimes call out, “I’m coming to such-and-such,” or “I’m walking behind you. Don’t be alarmed.” There have been times when I would say, “I’m coming up behind you,” then I approach her from the side and she still becomes startled. She is just easily frightened. She won’t even let me have scary movies in the house, and I love scary movies. Probably why she doesn’t even read my writings which are suitable for children. Adventure Time on Cartoon Network freaks her out. Then again, Courage the Cowardly Dog gives me the willies sometimes.

Back to the point I was trying to make. Baby mammals get their instincts and fears from nursing. Benjamin breastfed for a time. If he got his fears from his mother, then that would be everything under the sun. Man! I sure hope it’s not inherited fear. A spirit of fear can be tamed. Inherited fear is for life. And I like to jump out of shadows, and from around corners, and roar. What am I ever to do with a scary child?

Tag! You’re It!

Posted: June 23, 2012 in Ravings
Tags: , , , , , ,

Hello, everyone! Once again, it has been a long time since I’ve written a blog, but there has been a lot going on in my life. There has been a lot of good things going on, a bit of bad, but all and all, there has been a lot. 

Anyway, as I sat on my front porch, reading Stephen King’s collection of short stories, Skeleton Crew, MsKatykins (http://teaandtantalisingtales.wordpress.com/) sprinted up those steps that led to my dusty porch with its groaning floorboards, and slapped me on the arm. “Tag, you’re it!” she yelled. MsKatykins tagged me in what is called “Blog Tag”, then she ran back down the stairs and raced across the yard.

“Dang it, MsKatykins!” I yelled. “You knocked my book out of my hand! You got the pages all dirty!”

I picked my book up from the porch, then I watched as MsKatykins giggled while fleeing around to the side of the house. I intended to resume reading my book, but it was pretty hard to ignore the challenge MsKatykins had presented. After a bit of internal debate, I put down the book and went in pursuit. “I’ll get you!” I yelled playfully.

The rules for playing blog tag is as follows:

You must post the rules
Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post
Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged
Tag (eleven) people with a link to your post
Let them know they’ve been tagged

Here are the questions I was given:

1. What is your favourite ice-cream flavour and why? (I love the fact that I can hear MsKatykins’ accent in her writing.) Anyway, my favorite ice cream flavor is cookie dough. I haven’t had any in a very long time, but I love the combined taste of vanilla ice cream and cookie dough.

2. Do blondes really have more fun? It doesn’t matter if you’re blonde, brunette, or redhead. Life is a blast for attractive people, and for the unattractive people, life sucks.

3. What is the weirdest dream that you remember having? (I’m talking sleepy dream here.) My dreams usually consists of a dark sky and a red sun. So one time, I had a dream where the sky was blue and the sun was yellow. “That’s weird,” I remember saying.

4. Did you grow to become/do what you always dreamed of as a child? If not, why not? I just started dreaming last year so ask me this question in a couple of years and I’ll give you an answer.

5. What is the most annoying fad that you’ve ever succumbed to?Twitter! I joined Twitter to network, and I hate it. It’s nothing more than a gathering place for Spam. And they don’t have a like button.

6. If you could steal someone’s identity for a day, who would you be and what you would you do as them? If I could steal someone’s identity for a day, it would be Donald Trump. I would set up a bank account in Bennie Newsome’s name, deposit a buttload of money, then pay off all Bennie’s debt.

7. Where would you most and least like to visit in the world? I would love to visit Middle Earth, maybe frolick with the elves, and I would definitely steer clear of Hogwarts. Hogwarts appears to be a dark and depressing place.

8. What, in your opinion, is one of the best/most useful inventions ever and why? The best , most useful invention is bacon bits (real bacon). With the invention of bacon bits, bacon  has become seasoning in my house. I sprinkle that stuff on everything.

9. If you could be any other species, what would you hope to be? Is rich a species? Because if it is, I hope to be that.

10. If you could see one music act dead or alive, back stage, first class treatment, who would it be and where and why? Eminem…my house…because I don’t like traffic.

11. Do you have any superstitions? Yes. I believe that if you go to a graveyard after nightfall, evil spirits will kill you, and the undertaker will find your lifeless body the next day. And I don’t say “Bloody Mary” or “Candy Man” in any mirror, in the dark, because I believe…well, the undertaker will find your lifeless body the next day.

Alright. Now that I answered the eleven questions I was given, here are the questions I came up with.

1. Chick Fil A cows say, “Eat more chicken.” If you could promote the consumption of an animal, what would it be?

2. If you had a time machine that was good for one trip into the past and a return trip to the present, where would you go and do?

3. If you found a bag of money and you only had two hours to spend it before the cops closed in on the money, what would be your first stop?

4. Have you ever sought to obtain superhero powers?

5.If you could be a superhero, what powers would you want?

6.Deaf, dumb, or blind…which would be the worst handicap?

7.What is your dream career?

8. Is that your current career? If no, why not?

9. Do you entertain telemarketers who call your home, or do you cuss them out right away?

10. If you were at a restaurant and your waiter/waitress came to your table without a pair of pants, would you pretend like you don’t notice and order food to avoid the awkwardness? Or do you get up and leave?

11. Did the cleanliness of the underwear factor into your decision (referring to question number 10)?

Once again, I’m breaking the rules by not selecting eleven people. I’m lazy like that. Instead of selecting eleven people, I’m choosing one. Laurie (lauriejlong.wordpress.com), tag, you’re it. If anyone else would like to answer these questions anyway, feel free to treat this like Facebook and tag yourself. Let me know so I can read your answers.

Before I proceed with this, I want it noted that I absolutely hate chain mails in all forms. Of course, this one isn’t as bad as the text messages people send me. You know the one. The text that says you will miss out on a blessing if you don’t send this poorly written crap to however many friends. Yeah, this ABC virtual chainletter isn’t as bad as the text message, but I still hate it. I have received a nomination one other time and I was deeply honored to have been thought of — as I am in this instance as well — but it came with too much work and I didn’t participate. The only reason I’m doing this is because of my nominator and blogger friend, Laurie (www.lauriejlong.wordpress.com). I’m not doing this because of who she is, but because of what she wrote on her acceptance of the nomination. Her comment about me not being too cool and that I owe her one made me laugh, and she’s right, I owe her one. So here goes.

I’m not sure if I got the rules right, but apparently, I am suppose to accept this nomination in front of all my readers — and I hope you all don’t think any less of me for this; especially if you are the one who I nominate at the end of this ritual.

“I accept this nomination. I would like to thank Laurie for thinking enough of me and my ramblings to even consider me for this award; and I would like to thank God. Without Him, none of this would be possible.”

Alright, now that the acceptance is done, I believe I am suppose to list anything I want in alphabetical order. It doesn’t matter what it is, just as long as it’s listed from A to Z. Therefore, my topic is “What Not To Feed Me If I’m Ever At Your House.” I probably will never meet you, but just jot this list down in the off chance that I’m in your neighborhood and I stop by.

asparagus, broccoli, coleslaw, Dominoes Pizza (I can eat it, but I prefer Pizza Hut or Papa John), enchiladas, fat free snacks, goat cheese, hamhocks, indian food (and chinese food for that matter)jalapenos, kidney beans. Laughing Cow Cheese (sounds too much like Mad Cow Disease), mayo, Neopolatin icecream (nothings wrong with it, but the strawberry is usually the first to go and I don’t want your leftover chocolate and vanilla), onions, peppers, Quakers oatmeal–plain, ranch salad dressing, salt free anything, tomatoes, urinal cakes (never had one and they don’t sound tasty at all), vinergarettes, watermelon (had more than my share as a kid), xanthan gum, yams, and zuccini.

Okay. Now that that’s done, what’s next? I’m suppose to post the image of the ABC award somewhere on my page as a widget. I won’t be doing that, so on to my nominations. If I have nominated you, know that it wasn’t because I bear a grudge against you. I nominated you because I figured you would be less likely to cuss me out for sending you this chainletter. If I didn’t nominate you, I don’t know you well enough to involve you in a practical joke. Here goes.

I nominate the following:

mskatykins…host of Before I Forget… www.teaandtantalisingtales.  She has been nominated before. This probably increases her changes at winning.

chantel…host of Word Blurb… www.chantellyb.wordpress.co m

yeltnuh… www.ephemeralstream.wordpress.com

DA Chaney… www.dachaney.wordpress.com

Andrew… www.shutupdad.wordpress.com

After nominating these five individuals, I am suppose to notify them by posting a comment on their About Me page. I will not be doing that either. But that shouldn’t matter. These people click “like” on most of my post so let’s see if they actually read them. If they do, then they will be rewarded with a nomination for a reward that may or may not be fake. Thank you all for bearing with me.

— The Ravings of a Madman